We all have learned to despise the term, Internet Marketing Guru, haven’t we? If you are new to Internet Marketing, and don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry, you will soon enough. If you aren’t new to Internet Marketing, but have been sucked in by one of the more convincing Gurus, here’s an outline of  the top ten reasons that you should hate Internet Marketing Gurus:

10. They hate you (or at least make fun of you behind your back)

The only friends that Internet Marketing “Gurus” have are themselves. They all stick together in a tight little schoolgirl clique and gossip about how easy it was to sell their rehashed version of last year’s product to their list of newbie customers again by creating a “free plus shipping” sale. Sure, the customers got a free CD or DVD with a bunch of nonsense on it, but they tricked them into the recurring membership and the $197 upsell which is actually more than they made from that product the first time that piece of crap was released! Now they’re laughing at you…all the way to the bank… literally.

They can still sleep at night, so they must hate you.

9. They insult your intelligence

Read an Internet Marketing Guru’s sales page and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. If you read all the way down to the P.S., the P.S.S., and the P.S.S.S., and still don’t know what I mean, then you’re a gullible newbie and need to flee from that order button. No, seriously, close your browser NOW and ignore the pop up with the fake chat window and the stock image of the “customer service person”.

8. They’re untouchable

Newbies should hate the Gurus the most. Anyone who is new to Internet marketing needs more than a Guru product. They need questions answered, ongoing support, and guidance. Typically, an Internet Marketing Guru with leave you in the dust, or worse, forward you to an outsourced help desk with underpaid workers that will read answers to your questions from a script. Ask yourself why the Gurus don’t have time to answer a few questions if they claim to have a life that is a total vacation (see number 10).

7. They’re boring as Hell!

OMFG! They all follow the exact same script in videos, the exact same sales copy format, and even their buddies provide them with the same boring, vague testimonials that are meant to be interchangeable with whatever product they might be selling next. Notice that many of the video testimonials never actual say the product name or give you any clue at all what the product does, even though it will “change your life”?  lmao!

Go outside the Internet Marketing niche and look for products and sales pages in music, movies, and several other niches. You’ll quickly realize what a snoozefest these guys have created and you’ll think you’ve been sent back to Internet 1995 the next time you see one of their ugly ass sales page designs.

Insomnia Guru? Maybe.

6. There’s an A-List (and they refer to it without laughing)

LMAO @ a “Blogger’s A-List”. What does that mean exactly? You have access to seats that are 24 rows behind real celebrities (like Kathy Griffin) at D-List events? C’mon? Smack anyone who refers to an Internet marketer or Blogger “A-List”.

5. 78% don’t even make money with the techniques they sell!

This was a study done by the Internet’s Head Council.  Seventy Eight percent of Internet Marketing Gurus who sell Internet Marketing products don’t even make 50% of the amount that they claim they do (using the techniques they are selling with said product). However, another study showed that 98% of them DO make MORE than they claim by selling you a dream.

4. They steal your time (and money)

Once you have been hypnotized by an Internet Marketing Guru, you will continue to follow and serve them. This means that whenever there is a new blog posts a new product, or even a new tweet on twitter, you will stop whatever you are doing to intensely consume whatever it is that they said. This not only takes time away from your productivity, but it also leads to loss of any profit you might have made after buying their last product.

3. Email Hell

Do I even need to explain this one? No, right? See the problem?

Side note: To the hundreds of affiliates that promote the exact same Internet Marketing Guru product on the same day (the day of the launch), I have some advice for you. Please, if you’re going to use an email template that you grabbed from the affiliate area, think about the other 300 dumb asses who are going to be using the same template on that same day. At least edit it so it seems like you wrote it. Seventy Six percent of your list will likely be annoyed anyway, so why not at least take 5 minutes to be somewhat unique. Have all you schmucks actually become that lazy and automated?

2. Jealousy

The majority of Internet Marketing Gurus make a shitload more money than you do. Here’s the worst part: A portion of those profits is your hard-earned money, but you keep giving it to them anyway, even though their shit hasn’t worked for you yet! That, my friend, would send anyone into a jealous fit of rage.

1. They give the term Guru a bad name (They’re actually nothing like a GURU at all!)

As if the first 9 wasn’t enough, they all lead to the number one reason to hate Internet Marketing Gurus! They are nothing like a Guru at all! False credit, lack of commitment, no two-way communication, and not knowing the meaning of humbleness is actually the opposite of what a Guru really is.